This thing called love, I just can't handle it
This thing called love, I must get round to it
I ain't ready
Crazy little thing called love.
Crazy Little Thing Called Love

[Inside the barge. Methos is humming in meditation.]

Duncan: You know, you could do that up on deck. The view's better.

Methos: Calms the spirit. You should try it sometime.

Duncan: What are you doing here?

Methos: The place I rent is being sold. I hate moving.

Duncan: Then go move into a hotel!

Methos: I wouldn't stay in any hotel that Adam Pierson could afford.

Duncan: Well, it's your problem for sitting here. [Looking through mail.]

Methos: Anything interesting?

Duncan: I'll let you know. Oh, Gina and Robert de Valicourt are getting married again.

Methos: I thought they were married.

Duncan: Well, they're doing it every hundred years.

Methos: Madly in love, huh?

Duncan: No. Gluttons for punishment.

Methos: I was married once, you know. Oh, come to think of it, I was married 67 — no, 68 times.

Duncan: You had 68 wives?!

Methos: Yeah. Never one of us though. That would be too much of a commitment for me to make. You have to love someone a hell of a lot to be with them 300 years. Tough to imagine, huh?

Duncan: Nah, it's not. Not if you knew Gina. Fitzcairn and I were madly in love with her.

[Inside the barge.]

Methos: It's finally happened. You've lost your mind.

Duncan: Well, come on, Methos. You'd be doing them an incredible favor.

Methos: Read my lips: N.O.

Duncan: Okay, you'd be doing me a favor. [Serving him coffee.] Milk?

Methos: Aw, now that's not fair. You're making it personal now. You think that I'll feel guilty when I say no?

Duncan: Sugar?

Methos: You're wasting your time. I haven't felt guilt since the 11th century. I don't even know these people!

Duncan: Yeah, well that's why I'm asking you. All you have to do is act a little.

Methos: Do I look like an actor?

Duncan: Oh, you've been with the Watchers for years and no one's ever suspected you. Don't you want to see Gina and Robert live happily ever after?

Methos: Yeah. But I want to see me live happily ever after even more.

Duncan: Oh, come on, Methos. They won't even know who you are. You'll just be this mysterious Immortal who's coming after Robert's head. Robert and Gina's marriage is in your hands.

Methos: You're not listening to me. I don't give a damn about their marriage.

Duncan: Well, I do.

Methos: Is it really that important to you?

Duncan: Yes, it's that [bops him on the head] important to me.

Methos: Okay, I'll do this for you. And you give me the barge.

Duncan: [laughs] Right. Like you're serious.

Methos: Yeah, I'm serious. Hey, I need a place to live. That's the deal, take it or leave it.

Duncan: Fine. If that's what it takes.

Methos: That's what it takes.

Duncan: Fine.

Methos: Good.

Duncan: Good.

Methos: Right.

Duncan: You better make it look good.

Methos: Like you say, dahling, I'm an act-or.

Duncan: Oh good.

[In an abandoned warehouse.]

Robert: Blackbeard. Bluebeard. Drake. I must have sailed with half the pirates in the Caribbean. I kind of miss those old ships.

Methos: Not me. I hate the sea.

Robert: Oh? Why is that?

Methos: Crossed the Atlantic to Iceland with a bunch of Irish monks, 765. Six of us in a rowboat. No facilities.

Robert: Oh.

[Buzz as Duncan and Gina drive in.]

Methos & Robert: Showtime.

[They start clanking swords.]

Gina: Robert! Leave him alone, you bastard!

Duncan: Gina! Gina, you can't interfere. Gina! Gina, wait!

Methos: [whispering to Robert] Here comes hip, feint, hip, thrust, jump back.

Robert: Yes, got it.

Gina: He could lose his head!

Duncan: Gina, no! If he does, it'll be the last thing that guy sees.

Robert: [to Methos] There. That should do it. Just give me a jab. Not too deep.

Methos: Wuss. Where's your sense of drama? [Runs him through with sword.]

Gina: Robert!

Duncan: No, Gina! No! [Tries to hold her back.]

Gina: Robert!

Duncan: Gina, no!

Methos: [to Robert] Sorry.

Gina: Robert!

Duncan: Gina! Gina!

Gina: Robert!

Duncan: Gina, no! Gina, no! No, Gina!!!

[Gina rushes to Robert's side.]

Gina: [to Methos] You're dead! Come back here! You're dead!

[Methos runs off then turns around to look.]

Duncan: Gina!

Gina: Oh my God, Robert. Robert, are you all right? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Robert.

[Duncan rushes up to Methos.]

Methos: Do something!

Duncan: Get out of here!

Methos: What the hell was that all about? You were supposed to keep her away. She'll kill me! [Runs off.]

Michael Praed (Robin of Sherwood, The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne) was originally supposed to be cast as Robert de Valicourt, with his real-life wife as Gina.

Failing this, Michael was supposed to be Stephen Keane in "Forgive Us Our Trespasses" but that fell through too.

Robert and Gina have matching lion's head sword hilts — one is silver and one is gold.

[Inside the barge.]

Methos: I knew it. I knew it! Getting between a married couple, it's a rule I haven't broken for 2000 years. I knew this would happen.

Duncan: Look, she'll cool off. I'm just telling you to be careful, that's all.

Methos: Great. So I lose my head after 5000 years so that you can play marriage guidance counselor. I must have been out of my mind!

Duncan: Oh, Methos, come on. The marriage is in two day's time. All you have to do is lay low for a while. They'll go off on their honeymoon. They'll be there for... 10 years. She'll forget all about this.

Methos: Stake your life on that, would you?

Duncan: [unconvincing pause] Yeah.

Methos: Okay, gimme the keys.

Duncan: What keys?

Methos: The keys to the barge.

Duncan: [laughs] You weren't serious. You were testing me.

Methos: No. If I'm gonna die, you're gonna pay me for it. Gimme the keys.

Duncan: I can't give you the barge. I just redecorated it!

Methos: Nice job. Gimme the keys. Come on.

Duncan: [relents] With friends like you, who needs enemies.

Methos: I was just thinking the same thing.

[Duncan goes to sit down.]

Methos: Hey! Off.

Duncan: What? It's my chair.

A missing bit of this scene has Methos going into more detail about why he doesn't get between a married couple. He mentions an incident in 34 AD with a senator, his wife and a slave boy.

Writer Donna Lettow later recycled this story in her Highlander novel Zealot. Read the Zealot excerpt with the story.

Methos: [gloating] My chair now! [Sits down and puts his feet on the desk.]

Duncan: You—

Methos: You know where the door is.

[Duncan gathers some papers. Knocks Methos' feet off desk. Methos smiles as Duncan leaves.]

Methos: Have a nice day!

[Inside the barge.]

Methos: [looking through Duncan's CD collection] Opera. Opera. Opera. Opera. There's a lot of opera here. Gotta do something about his music. There's no Springsteen. There's no Queen...

[Buzz.]

Gina: You!

Methos: I can explain. [unconvincing laugh] It was a joke.

Gina: I'm not laughing. Where is MacLeod? Dead?!

Methos: No, no, he's — he's fine. This has all just been a big mistake.

Gina: Huge. And you made it when you tried to kill my husband.

Methos: [mutters] I knew this would happen. [Makes a grab for his sword.]

[On the deck of the barge.]

Duncan: Not funny!

Methos: Oh, I don't know, pretty funny from here!

Duncan: Oh really? Well maybe I should take your head instead. How about that?

Gina: What's the matter, Duncan? Can't you take a joke?

The line "My chair now" and the action that follows is a Peter Wingfield ad-lib.

[Inside the barge.]

Methos: Look at this place. I've never seen such a mess. These sheets are disgusting! [Sees Duncan unpacking a vase from a crate and throwing straw on the floor.] Hey, enough with the mess! I have to live here.

Duncan: [insincerely] Oh, I'm sorry. [Holds up the vase.] My wedding present to them. Only one of six left in the world.

Methos: Yeah, when I was living in China, way back when, those things were a dime a dozen. If only I'd known then what I know now.

Duncan: Pity. So what are you gonna get 'em? A toaster?

Methos: Well, you know, you were right, they are a unique couple, so I figured I should give them something unique.

Duncan: Yeah? Like what?

Methos: My boat.

Duncan: The barge?! You can't give them the barge!

Methos: Why not?

Duncan: Because—

Methos: It's my boat. I can do what I like with it.

Duncan: Fine.

Methos: But then I figured that probably everyone would give them something unique, so I went with a toaster.

[Methos tosses the barge's keys to Duncan, who drops vase as he tries to grab them.]

Methos: You keep the barge. I hate the water.

[Duncan sputters.]

Methos: Get the mess cleaned up. [Throws Duncan a mop on his way out.]

Additions and corrections: Cary Spratt.

A missing scene from this episode has Methos and Duncan unpacking boxes from Methos' Volvo and putting them in Duncan's car. Methos is very fussy about one particular box, warning Duncan several times to take special care with it. During one of the takes of the scene, Methos says the box contains a fax machine. At the Chronicles 99 convention, writer Donna Lettow suggested that it contained Methos' turtle collection...